December 2002

December 23, 2002
There's been a lot of talk about this next movie.

Maybe, maybe too much talk.

This movie is not an action movie.

This movie is The Two Towers.

Saw the second installment of the Hobbit movies. I was... underwhelmed.

To frame my opinion: I was fairly ambivalent about the first Rings installment, too. Nice effects and ooh-ahh visuals from Mr. Jackson, but, uh, the films average something like three hours apiece? I fell asleep early on in the first flick and woke up a couple hours later and the friggin Little People were still climbing the same friggin mountain.

Don't get me wrong here, I mean, Hobbit Wars and The Two Towers Strike Back were ok flicks, but, again, three friggin hours? I thought the win to seeing literary-based talkies was that you could watch the movie in less time than it takes to actually read the book. (Nevermind that the movie could've been 6300 hours long and I'd still need more time to complete the bound version.)

Speaking of the printed page, I'm not sure just how I escaped reading the series as a kid, since I fell flat-ass squarely in the target demo - D&D playing geek and I read fairly voraciously (of course, (as previously stated) nowadays, I don't even read street signs). Still, I didn't catch the Hobbits bug then, and so have no warm, fuzzy, nostalgic feelings for the furry-footed midgets now.

In other words, I'm not going to chuckle knowingly when Frito does something torn from the pages of the novel(s). I'm not going to nod approvingly when I recognize something onscreen that I imagined years and years ago.

I have nothing to go on here. If I'm going to suffer numb ass (and there's plenty to numb), I need a good godamned movie to distract me.

My biggest complaint?

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, the role of Jar-Jar Binks will be played by Gollem. Holy God, Heavenly Father, the One True Omnipotent Being, if I never bear witness to another cloying, braying, whiny computer generated character that totally and completely draws me out of the movie-going experience, that devastates what suspension of disbelief I've managed to cobble together, it will be much, much too soon.

When I rewrite this mess, in the first act, Freebie and the Bean will cleave the grey cartoon's bulbous head cleanly in two.

It'll go something like...

Gollem: Must kill master! NOOOooooo! Love Master!!! NOOOOOOOOOOoooo!!!! Master took Preccccccccciouuuuuussssssssss!!!!

*THUNK*

Freida: Sidekick! I hath cleaved the Annoying One cleanly in half. Joy.

Sidekick: Good, then. Let's climb some more mountains for, say, 2 hours, 59 minutes.

[Roll credits]

Lesser offenses:

Using the ol' "the news of (insert the name of a main character)'s death has been greatly exaggerated" trick, not once, but twice. Christ, they should've thrown every single main character off a cliff or down a hole only to have them reappear later, to dewy Hobbit eyes. (They're a faggy lil bunch, aren't those wee folk?)

Nitpicky, I know, but is it me or did Liv Tyler put on about 60 pounds between filming the first and second installment of the Puny People films? Were the Elves trying to eat their way out of conflict with the bewigged Christopher Lee? Note to auteurs: Don't try and pull a "we'll only shoot from the head up and we'll use doubles and/or out-of-focus artsy techniques for long shots" ploy on me. I've seen enough Heart and Wilson Phillips videos in my time to smell such ham-handed maneuvers coming a bazillion miles away.

And, lastly, why do "sword and sorcery" tales always have to be stuffed with characters with names like Tweezendorf? I can't fucking tell one name from another. I think the bad guy's name is Sauron, or Saucer or Chaucer, but I really couldn't fucking tell you cause I think the other bad guy (otherwise known as a big fucking eye that's on fire. What? A big fucking eye that's on fire? Huh? You fucking got me, pal. All I know is there goes my fucking ten fucking bucks.) had a fop fucking name that begins with 'S', too. Jesus. Even the friggin Gollem had some other goddamned name that Frizzo and his useless buddy used but goddamned if A.) I could understand what the fuck it was, or B.) I even vaguely remember what it sounded like.

So, there you have it. The Two Towers. Woo hoo.

I should have stayed home and rented Fletch.

P.S. Merry Christmas!

P.P.S. Joe Strummer's name became a lie today.

December 20, 2002
Ted Williams to remain frozen and I give a fuck.

December 17, 2002
Something you don't hear/read daily: I'm really digging these pop-under ads.

But, still, I am. Perhaps, you've seen them? Of course, I'm talking about Orbitz' ubiquitous pop-unders. I love 'em. I'm not kidding.

So far, I've kicked a field goal, plucked a chicken featherless, pegged a turdboy with a snowball, clicked a snowflake and a cabana boy (ok, several cabana boys, you cheeky monkey), moused-over mounted reindeer heads and poop-filled presents, spun the dreidel, putted a golfball into the cup, popped the bubble, sheared the sheep (no, that's not a euphemism), poked the bunny (ditto. Although, I have poked the bunny. Thank you.), made a monster... you get the picture, yes, Sparky?

They're cartoony Flash goodness. Marketing never went down so smooth - and no aftertaste.

If you've never - and I can't understand how that's even possible - well, knock yourself out.

Next up, I enjoy spam like Phranc enjoys being a girl.

December 11, 2002
Here's a bit o' sunshine just for you.

So, a while back, I may have made mention of my big foray into political lobbying - I filled out some web form that forwarded some letter supporting some bill that would combat some fees that would make broadcasting web radio prohibitively expensive for smaller (read: better) broadcasters to some politician. A pretty Herculean leap for me - I've managed to live my life with only the most attenuated acknowledgement that policitians and politics and the easter bunny really exist. Not that I'm some hippy radical that wants to buck or jack the system, that I have lofty or anti-government ideals that run contrary to most 'mericans', that I have a problem with tastefully decorated eggs (or crafts in general, really), or any of that nonsense.

I'm lazy. And stupid. I'm dazzled by the Honey Nut Cheerios bee. I should really keep away from politics and government and things that affect others' lives.

So, a week or so ago, I got a form letter ("Dear Pimp Daddy of the Greater Northeastern Conference of Pimp Daddies..." it began) from said politician (Kerry, I think? He's the guy being groomed to run for Prez, right? Looks kinda like Frankenstein?) that thanked me and stuff.

So, neat. I don't get enough mail thanking me for filling out web forms; obviously, this was a treat.

Next, I notice my fave net radio station, Groove Salad is back on the air!

Said Groove Salad: "With the passage of HR5469, SomaFM has resumed broadcasting. So go out and tell all your friends we're back online!" (see previous paragraph)

I'm drunk with power. It's a heady feeling. Viva le web form.

Remember me in November. Thank you.

December 10, 2002
Seems like everyone's doing it, and I'm nothing if not a lemming.

Please find my mp3 playlist below.

Total files: 2
Total size: 7 MB
Total length: 5 minutes and 30 seconds
Average length: 02:45

This list was created with a technology known as HTML version 4.0ish, © me.

December 9, 2002
When life hands you lemons, my recommendation is to manufacture a non-lethal liquid eye irritant composed, in part, of the lemons' oil, pulverized zest and juice. Then, procure a spray bottle with some range and give those lemons right back to life. In spades.

Update: Apparently, the open letter to RS (printed back in Novemeber) was not authored by Joan Jett. The letter appears on Joan's site, but Kenny Laguna, Joan's right-hand man followed up with this disclaimer:

Hi everyone,

We are sorry for the confusion, but Joan Jett did NOT write the open letter to Rolling Stone, rather it was written by Maya Price, a talented performer and writer in New York City, and it was forwarded to us.

I loved the content, but we had nothing to do with writing it.

Thanks for the strong response to it.

Kind regards and happy thanksgiving,

Kenny Laguna

There. We aight? Aight. Special thanks to Sean for passing along the info. The prick just loves to see me screw up.

December 6, 2002
I love Mac people.

They're adorable, in that "what a cute little retard" kinda way. (Was that wrong? I feel like that might've been wrong on some level.)

(Huh.)

Like, they're willing to dismiss any and all crappiness about their platform, but they throw a schnizzlefit (which is German for "exclamation or outburst, usually predicated by a Mactard") whenever the digital wind blows on a PC. The little charmers.

I especially like that advertising campaign of "reformed" PC users complaining how PCs always go "BUHWOOWOOWOO!!! RRRRR!!!! KRRRGGHH!!!" and explode in flame - something that actually happened to my brother-in-law's Mac a couple weeks back. Well, ok. Minus the flame and the "BUHWOOWOOWOO!!! RRRRR!!!! KRRRGGHH!!!" sounds, because computers don't make sounds like that (unless the source is a sound file) you fucking advert agency shitkopfs. Still, his Mac did make a "pop" noise and then died a watery death.

One of the Macs here at work strangely deleted its own operating system - it rebooted and said, "I CAN'TS FINDS MY OPERATING SYSTEM! OR MY DIGIASS. WITH BOTH HAMHANDS!!!" (hell, if the mac people can take creative liberties...) I tol' that to one of the Mac people here and he shrugged it off, saying, "So what's the big deal? That always happens." Um. Ok. Good point... Sorry.

I have a Mac and a PC at my workstation. My work is divided pretty much 90%/10%, PC/Mac, yet my Mac has crashed much more frequently than my PC. When I point this out to the aforementioned Mac person, he shrugs it off, saying, "You don't know how to use a Mac!" Which is true, but honestly, I can barely use a fucking comb, and my PC seems to be fairly stable.

Another co-worker sent an e-mail round yesterday that warned of a Windows Internet Explorer bug - when you save a file as a jpg using "Save As" in Photoshop on a Mac, the file gets saved with some weird XML, which IE rightly doesn't know what to do with, and appropriately does not display the image. If you use "Save for web," no XML is packed into the file, and IE has no problems.

I'm sorry. I thought you said an Internet Explorer bug. It's a Windows bug that the program doesn't like XML with its images, and NOT a Mac/Photoshop bug for tucking in that crap with the file? Kee. Rist. Riiight.

It's a religious war masquerading as an objective analysis of technology. And it makes me want to rain down a fiery Jihad on that stupid Mac smiley face.

December 4, 2002
If I said I had major misgivings about recycling content, I'd be lying. This is just a little something to get me into December. Used to be on the old site, and I kinda like it. So there.