January 2002

January 27, 2002

In honor of my brand new gig at the fabulous BaseSix, I've updated my resume. Which is to say, goodbye resume.

If you can name the inspiration for this revision, I'll give you a dollar.

January 14, 2002 (later)

Mayhaps you've the seen the commercial for Richard Gere's new flick, "The Mothman Prophecies." I mention this only because I saw this commercial (commercials, actually - there's a few variations on the main theme) about a gazillion times over the weekend. Apparently, they're hoping to snag the MTV/VH1 crowd, since it aired on these networks at every single break (and there are very good, completely valid reasons why I took in a lot of MTV and VH1 this past weekend... unfortunately, they involve Real World and Behind the Music marathons, so I'm just going to move on...).

So, back to this commercial: In it, Richard Gere is talking to some "entity" on the phone. (I say entity, because earlier in the commercial, Richard Gere's co-worker/friend/whatever tells him, after analyzing an audio file on a COMPUTER, "I don't know what the voice is, but it's not coming from human vocal cords.") So, Richard Gere asks Mr. Entity, "You're reading my mind? What's in my hand?" - at which point Richard Gere looks down at the Chapstick™ cupped in his palm. The scary voice on the phone hisses, "Hhhhhhh... CHAPSTICK™!" and Richard Gere jumps out of his seat, hurling the phone away from him.

I don't know why, but that strikes me as truly funny. Like, funnier than funny movie, funny. Just the whole "weird being hissing CHAPSTICK™! at Richard Gere and then Richard Gere freaks out and jumps up and throws a phone because a weird being just hissed CHAPSTICK™! at him..."

That has to be the oddest product placement in the history of motion pictures.

I can imagine the producers of Richard Gere's movie pitching to the Coke™ people:

Producer #1: So, Richard Gere is holding a can of Coke, and he says to the scary voice, "You're reading my mind? What's in my hand?"

Producer #2: Right! Right! And then the scary voice goes "Hhhhhhhh... COCA COLA™!"

Producer #1: Yeah! Yeah! And then Richard Gere jumps up! You know, like he's gonna just... Like he's gonna hurl that phone across the room! And Richard Gere goes: "Classic Coke or Diet? CLASSIC COKE OR DIET!!!???"

(note: I wrote this entry using a complex keyword density algorithm. My use of the term "Richard Gere," in both number and placement, should mean that when someone searches for "Richard Gere" on 7 of the top 10 search engines and directorires, this entry will be number 1, baby.)

January 14, 2002

I heard over the weekend that the Black Crowes are going "on hiatus." Not breaking up, mind you, just going "on hiatus."

Um hm.

I think the Police went "on hiatus" back in '93.

January 11, 2002

Odd how it's tough finding time to work on your own site when you're a web dev-type person. Most of the neat interactive (read: contact form) or dynamic (read: quote of the day) stuff is broken on my site, due to a migration to a new server. I find myself torn between taking some time off of posting (again) to fix tech-type things, or keep on blogging and let that crap rest for a bit (or a bit more than a bit). Seeing as I can count the number of form submissions from my contact page on two fingers (era, that'd be... ah. two), I guess posting blather demands attention first (maybe demands is a bit strong... petitions?).

Life is like the bad guy in horror movies. Even when you're running as fast as you can, and he's sauntering along like he doesn't have a care in the world, he'll catch you. And then cut your belly open and show you the black stuff inside.

Happy Friday!

January 9, 2002

Sean's chit chat about the proliferation of vegetarian foodstuffs in his freezer made me hungry for a Boca Spicy Chik'n pattie. Those things're gr-reat. Slap one down on a bed o' lettuce, wid some onions, a coupla slices a tomater, and you'd swear you were choking down foul.

Which reminds me of something that's been bothering me for awhile. So, vegetarians, right? They don't eat no meat, right? Why the hell do they make so many products that are supposed to taste just like meat? Even if a good percentage of vegetarians are just doing it solely for health reasons, and have no moral/ethical/whatever dilemma with eating animals - there's gotta be a good number of vegetable-people who strongly oppose the consumption of critters on the same grounds, right? Why the hell would you want to eat something that tastes like animal, if you have convictions that diametrically oppose animal gobbling?

Forgive me, I'm having trouble expressing myself here. Let's see if an example can help clear this up.

Say, for instance, that my beliefs run contrary to eating little children. They don't, of course - but that's only because I have no beliefs. Anyhow, back to the eating kids thing. So, if I don't think it's right in any regard to consume our young, why in the hell would I want to munch on "Jus-Like-Kiddie-Fing'rs"?

January 8, 2002 (later)

Overheard tonight while standing on the platform, waiting for the train:

"No! No matter what I say, no matter what I do, THE DOUCHEBAG WON'T FUCKING LISTEN TO ME!"

- Well-dressed business woman in her late thirties, shouting into her cellphone

Approximately 60 seconds later, while riding the train:

"Motherfucking make me come all the way down here, that motherfucker better motherfucking... [unintelligible]"

- home-girl in her late teens, talking with her friend

Approximately 2 hours later, while reading the news online:

"Fucking piss off!"

- England's Prince William, yelling to a photographer while on horseback

Ah, the lost art of conversation. Motherfucking wonderful, isn't it?

January 8, 2002

My love for reality television grows... I'm forced to recant my ealier diatribes against the drug of a nation. I'm happily addicted to any show that doesn't feature the awful writings of a Hollywood paid hack and a laugh track.

Last night - Fear Factor. This fine program featured contestants driving old, muscled-up Camaros off the third story of a parking garage into cardboard boxes. Of course, the object was to get the most distance, thus encouraging said contestants to really floor it as they flew over the side of said garage.

I can imagine the late night meetings of the producers of the show...

Producer #1: "The fricking drive-the-car-off-a-goddamn-building didn't kill anybody! What the hell do we have to do to score a death?! This is a total waste of our iron-clad waiver."

Producer #2: "I've got it. How's this for a 30 second promo: Six chambers.... One bullet.... Next Monday, a very special Fear Factor."

Won't be long now til real-life 'Snuff TV'.

January 7, 2002

As cranky as I wanna be: Part Doo
I've noticed a deluge of ads for XM Radio lately. You've probably seen the slick tv spots with either David Bowie or B.B. King or Snoop Doggity Dogg plummeting from the sky and into someone's barn or hotel room or workplace.

What the tv ads don't divulge (inexplicably, the radio advert does), is that adding XM Radio capability to your existing car stereo will set you back $300. Era... that is, at least $300. ("starting at around $300," I believe the pitch goes).

Hoo fah.

After dropping 5 bills on your Alpine CD deck with remote, somehow the idea off shelling out another 3 is, let's say, less than attractive. Or, alternatively, if you've paid upwards of 30 dollars for your Krako AM/FM tape player, like myself, the onus of spending ten times that is too much to bear.

I wonder what a XM radio-outfitted Segway would set me back...

January 3, 2002

Let's start the new year with a pop quiz. How much would you pay not to have to walk to your mailbox anymore?

$35?

$175?

$3000?

Maybe I'm just being a grumpy old nasty toothless stanky bastard (god, I hope so), but I'm not all that enthused with the IT-Ginger-Segway-Whatever. Obviously, there's tremendous technology at work here (or, more likely, at play), but does the average Joe or Jane really need a $3k scooter? Is walking really all that taxing or inefficient? I guess it must be: To quote the inventor, "This device is really an improvement on walking." Higher, Icarus, higher!

America suffers from a high rate of obesity. Read: we're a bunch of fat fuckers. (Sorry, feeling extra profane today. Titmouse. See?) Can we afford to cut out the one source of exercise that just about anyone with two legs has easy access to? Are we so goddamn lazy that we can't be bothered to walk around anymore? IS THAT TOO MUCH DAMN EFFORT? I think my favorite feature of the Segway is that the tires are specially treated so they don't leave marks indoors. Indoors. So, lemme get this straight - I don't have to make the arduous journey to the refrigerator unassisted anymore? Hoorah. Mount up kids, it's time to leave the living room and ride to the dining room for dinner.

Note to genius inventors: I don't want a replacement for walking. I want a replacement for cars.

Happy New Year and Shit.